I was born in 1979 in Birkenhead, to a Rock Ferry Mother and a Baghdad Father. My Mother was happy as she had patiently waited for me to come along but my Father would have preferred a boy. He was a violent man and physically and mentally abused my Mother, leaving us homeless when i was 6 months.
I grew up in a single parent family, on free school dinners, in one of the poorest parts of the country. I suppose the statistics for personal success in life were not really on my side at that time.
Through a traumatic early and teen life by the time i was 13, I turned to excess for escapism and was a regular user of Alcohol, Cigarettes and recreational drugs throughout my teens. I was very isolated and lost, although with a skill to turn on my extrovert side, meaning that my Mental health problems were easily covered up. I had suicidal thoughts regularly, I hated my life.
My Mother remarried and I eventually had a Sister and a Brother after being an only child for 10 years. We grew up in the Claughton area of Wirral. My Mother and My new dad were quite strict and did their best to control me, but the free spirit in me was strong and I hated being told what to do, this further fuelled my hatred of life. I was bullied in school and hated every minute of going there and sitting down so long, learning stuff that I considered useless and generally feeling like a prisoner. I was in the top sets but I found the whole thing, apart from a few choice subjects like Social Science, English and PE, the rest were really boring and pointless and couldn't wait to leave and do my own thing.
After majorly failing most of my GCSE's apart from English and PE, obvs, I went to sixth form where as well as collecting a further 4 GCSE's, I discovered a penchant for partying and buying clothes and so I went straight out and got a job (or 20).
I always loved to travel and had only done a few package holidays before I began my passion for extensive travel (and running away) with a year in Australia in 2001, when i was 21, visiting south east Asia along the way. I am eternally grateful for having gotten to see Thailand/Malaysia and Bali before too many tourists got there. Doing a full moon party with just the islanders and travelers there was pretty special. I spent an amazing year away and still have friends that live in the places I visited to this day. My love affair with travel goes on.
I had been working for a government department who I had asked for a year sabbatical which had been refused so upon my return it was time to get working again so I came back and got myself a job as a credit controller in hotel in Liverpool, which gave me the security I needed to get my first mortgage.
As soon as I came back from my trip to Oz, I was just turned 23 and the housing market had boomed in the UK. I had £1000 and I decided to invest it, into my first property, which cost me £37k (The top of my mortgage budget on my 15K salary) Within 1 year my flat had tripled in price and within 3 years I had bought a further 2 apartments taking my property portfolio to 3.
Rock n Roll
I lived part time in London when I was 25 with my club promoter boyfriend, not much of which I remember but I developed a love of bands and got into running my own club nights in Liverpool with headliners such as Bez (Happy Mondays) Mani (Stone Roses) and Bonehead (Oasis) to name but a few.
We would party with 'rocknroll' stars like Pete Doherty and Carl Barat and models such as Agyness Deyn and I was able to get onto almost any guest list I wanted. I went to Glastonbury for 10 years, one of said years, on the band Alabama 3's tour bus. Let's just say that what goes on tour, should definitely stay on tour!
I did have a great time in those days of hedonism but i'm actually just glad it's over.
I went on to manage a local band called The Real Kicks and ran regular nights in the Magnet, The Zanzibar and Bumper.
Most of my life I worked in Sales. I did recruitment, radio, hotels, cosmetic and weight loss surgery, cars, art, music, magazines and retail to name but a few (!!)
Working in recruitment for Hays was were I developed a love of making and spending money, I worked long hours but had the car, the home and the wardrobe full of clothes, shoes and handbags but I couldn't hack it and went on a whim to an interview for a job that was a quarter of the salary but working for a local music magazine. They hired me on the spot and I left recruitment for good.
The magazine was called Buz, and I had a great time selling ads, going round the pubs getting drunk and writing reviews and articles and my first ever column. I had always wanted to be a journalist as I have an inquisitive nature but I hated learning in classrooms so I didn't want to study it. I suppose I manifested it anyway.
During my time as a Business Development Manager working for a 4 star hotel in Liverpool, I decided to expand on my own as a freelance BD and PR consultant as through networking over the years I acquired many contacts who began to seek me out to help grow their businesses. Working in Liverpool, I worked with some of the creme de la creme of the city including Hard Days Night Hotel, The Living Room, Tracey Bell, Kasbah, Bakchich, Signature Living, Deliveroo, CAU and Cafe Sports England amongst many others. You can read my Corporate testimonials HERE
I threw parties, launched venues, networked and was nominated for a few awards in the short 5 years i was in the industry. I created an online magazine Urbanista Magazine, was runner up for Best Marketer at the women in business awards and won Liverpool’s woman networker of the year at the downtown awards but I was getting into burn out and the constant drinking and partying, coupled with the breakdown of a relationship and family crises where beginning to take their toll on me. The launch and failure of a bar I tried to set up was just another thing to add to the list of things that could go wrong and did.
Starting young with glue sniffing at 13, LSD and Ecstasy from around 15 years of age, I developed a taste for trying out recreational drugs, I can honestly say that I don't believe my experimenting with drugs affected me any worse than my thirst for Alcohol, which is the one of the things I can't seem to kick. I, like everyone, am a work in progress. I suppose when you have been using it as a crutch for as long as I have, it will be reluctant to release you from it's clutches. It's not true what they about cannabis being the gateway drug, I know that. For me it always starts with a drink. Cocaine is the hidden demon these days, a habit I have long since kicked.
The healing starts
It was during the time I was going through such a huge personal crisis that I found a meditation teacher who was a former Buddhist monk, he taught me to meditate one on one and really and truly changed my life. Through extensive meditation I had an angel experience where i was told that i would be working as a healer and would be learning telepathy and teleportation, I honestly cant tell you everything that happened during those few hours I spent with the angels but the effects of it shaped my spiritual path and changed me forever. I learnt Reiki and used it every day in my personal practice. I created the website www.sassandselfhelp.com to blog my journey and try and help others who might be experiencing the same things I was.
I began to research even further into the things that are going on in the world through my inner guidance and became disillusioned with the it all, was everything I had been taught about the way that life works a lie?
Through my research I came across an amazing author, Law of attraction teacher and Frequency thought leader called Linda West who agreed to help me on manifesting my reality in return for help with Social Media for her website, and the next thing you know, I am on holiday in Thailand, on a motorbike with the wind in my hair. And so it is.
When I got back off my holiday I decided that 2 weeks hadn't been enough and I needed to leave, I was done with the responsibilities, I had cried every day that previous year and I knew something had to change.
I decided to embark on a great big adventure of self discovery. I packed my bag and made my way into the unknown once again on a one way ticket to Thailand. I left my car, my ex-boyfriend, my flat, my business, my family and friends within a matter of weeks but I knew I had to go, my inner voice was shouting at me and I was listening. I had 3 clients that were bringing in around £1000 a month, plenty for me to live on, so I left.
The clients I had lasted for 3 months before the contracts end and again, I was in a sticky situation. I wasn't ready to go home, but how could I stay with no income? Step in, the Universe. An amazing opportunity came to me that allowed me to travel for almost 2 years without working. I am so grateful for the chance to free my mind like I never could have at home with all the distractions I had.
Taking a leap of faith
It was during the course of the next 2 years I was to really begin to learn who I am, and if I was to tell you it all here it would be a book (that's for another day) I traveled alone in Cambodia, Bali, India and Thailand, with a pit stop in the middle making CBD oil in Romania. I worked with many mentors and healers using plant medicines, affirmations, meditation, energy healing and the power of friends, old and new to bring back the fragmented pieces of my soul that had happened over years of abuse, self and otherwise, in this and what I now believe to be, many other lifetimes. I have been mocked and even abused for my views and new found perceptions, but I do not care, as this is my truth and being authentically me is all I really have. I take on advice from others but I make the final call myself. My critical thinker capacity is still all there, and i'm so grateful to have these tools.
Kambo, Ayahauscha, DMT, Psylocybin, shamanic cord cutting, putting myself in some crazy situations all helped my healing journey and put everything that had happened into some sort of perspective.
I read and watched everything i could get my hands on about The Law of Attraction, the shadow self, spirituality and the subconscious mind and began to get to work on self healing and the rewiring of my mind and subconscious belief systems.
I let go of most of my material possessions I had been accumulating (hoarding) over the years and began to feel lighter. Oh and my flat got repossessed, meaning a stint with my parents when i came back from overseas, aged 37!
Finding Inner Peace
I have since come to understand that I have been suffering with complex post traumatic stress disorder for many years, through childhood traumas, growing up in a dysfunctional family and moving onto dysfunctional relationships, everything is a pattern!
CPTSD can effect me through low self esteem, anxiety, depression, lack of self worth and can make it difficult to regulate my emotions, it comes through in difficulties in relationships, and emotional flashbacks which can be debilitating, especially when I have no idea why its happening as everything is fine for me in the moment! It's really helped me a lot to understand that this is my condition, i'm actually feeling pretty amazed with myself for the first time in my life at the things i've managed to overcome. Having been misdiagnosed with depression over the years sometimes being off work for months at a time on anti depressants, I can honestly say its a relief to know about cptsd, I always knew deep down that I wasn't depressed.
Moving forward in life.
I have been home from my travels for 18 months and i'm currently working from my home in Liverpool City Centre, where I work on my projects and courses in my little sanctuary.
It made perfect sense for me to now teach people the things that helped me to get over the trauma of my past, through my workshops and courses and coaching.
Everything is a thought, and a thought can be changed!
I believe in you,